WRITTEN BY: Jennifer Edwards

I packed a decade of ministry into a few boxes, loaded them onto a cart, and walked myself out of the office. I was taking my books, my mementos, the coffee cup I got as a gift, and the cheetah-print chair I had been so proud to add to my very first office just a few years ago.

I left. And honestly, I never thought I would.

I left my church of 15 years, my children's home church, our circle of friends, and my pastor. I left my comfort, because what people don't speak about is that when you leave, you can't take that with you.

Not A Quitter

But in leaving, I found power. Leaving is not quitting. Quitting is a powerless move that results from giving up and throwing away the plan. Leaving has a power to it; it is dripping in sorrow over what could have been, but clinging to the truth of God's plan. The truth of this ate at me each day when I walked into another meeting.

See, I had endured so much.

I had endured unfair practices, being excluded repeatedly, being yelled at, being belittled from stages, and being spiritually manipulated. I watched multiple friends leave and remembered how brave they were. I bravely stayed, or so I thought. Until I realized leaving is not a sign of weakness, but a courageous act. It's a power move built on bravery, and I was a coward who stayed for far too long.

Allowed to Leave

Then, at the end of another long and challenging meeting where I was again asking for male allies to support change, a male colleague looked at me and said, "Well, either you quit, or I quit." I felt like God spoke to me; “don't quit, but I allow you to leave.”

Quitting stops caring and walks out; leaving prepares the way for others to stay. So, I began preparing my exit.

I wrote everything down; if I had knowledge, I gave it away. All my ministry tips and tricks from a decade of serving, and all my ideas and plans for the next year went into a book. Then, I began preparing emotionally. I met for months with a counselor and had to start taking some medication for anxiety.

The spiritual warfare I experienced was real, and I was having panic attacks at the thought of walking away but also the idea of staying! Ministry was all I had known, and I had given my life to it. But God was peeling away the blinders, slowly allowing me to see things I could not unsee and hear things I could no longer justify. We do not wrestle against flesh and blood….

It's A Power Move

I gave plenty of notice, had plenty of conversations, and left. God walked with me, and I believe He was proud of me. I could finally be open to what He wanted me to do when I left.

The power move of leaving said that I am worth more than the treatment I endured. Remember, your worth is not determined by the circumstances you endure, but by the value God sees in you.

And when you start to see yourself how God sees you, you have the freedom to leave!

I left with nothing—no job, no big plan, and no path. I had to cling to God, and this is when the power came. The dictionary definition of leaving is “to go away from but to allow to remain.” But the definition of quitting is “cease to discontinue to free oneself.”

I knew I had to leave, but I also knew I wanted the ministry I was leaving to remain, the families to remain, and the love of the church to remain in the children I was leaving. I had no desire to cease serving God, discontinue my ministry, or free myself from the local church. Galatians 6:9 speaks about not quitting, "Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up." I was not about to give up.

What Happens Next

After you leave everything you have known, rebuilding must take place. For me, it started emotionally. When someone in a position of authority hurts you, it is hard, but when that person also has spiritual authority, it is a deep wound that only God can heal.

My heart was shattered, but I clung to Isaiah 43:18-19, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! It has already begun to happen. Surely, you can recognize it. I will make a road through the desert. I will make streams in the wilderness.”

While what had been my identity for so long was stripped away, God was slowly working in my dry, lonely heart, etching out a path and adding a stream. He was slowly showing me that He still had a plan for me.

You Are Free Indeed

Are you in an unhealthy place? Are you hearing God tell you to leave? I encourage you to leave, but not quit. Trust that God will make it right. Leaving is not a sign of defeat, but a step towards freedom. You are free indeed.

As I read Psalm 23, I add myself to it and see how it applies to my circumstances. Sometimes, we must step away from something to enter the goodness God awaits us.

I left, but the Lord is my shepherd, and I have what I need.

He removed me from an unpleasant place and led me to a pleasant, quiet space.

He renewed my soul and helped guide me to the right path

Even though I was walking in a dark valley, He never left me, and He comforted me

When I was not given a seat at their table, God prepared a place at His table for me, and I had His favor

My future is full of goodness, mercy, and love, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Sister, leaving takes courage. It is a powerful move that shows your dependence on God and forces you to cling to Him.

The Promise Fulfilled

I am now a few years on the other side of leaving. I have found a new church community; my children all attend church, and I serve in Kid’s Ministry again. I also speak, write, and create content for many organizations. All that was lost has been given back and more! I have had so many opportunities these last three years that, had I not left, I would have missed out on.

Benjamin William Hastings's song "I Still See You in It " has become my theme song lately.

I've been blessed, and I've been cursed

I've been healed, and I've been hurt

But for better or for worse, I'm still here singing

Oh, I've had sermons make me cry

Seen bad men saved, and best friends fired

Kinda lost my appetite there for a minute

But I still see you in it.

Leave It Behind

You have nothing to prove; your worth is not in a title or a job description that’s filling your life with weight.

You do not have to stay.

There is power in leaving if it is in obedience to God's will. So leave! And watch God build a path in your desert that leads to better, healthier, happier pastures where He is there, just waiting for you to walk toward Him.

Oh, and my cheetah chair has found a perfect spot in my new home office.